I find myself in limbo.
I’m trying to find a path that is comfortably weathered, yet different from the path I’m on. It appears though, that discomfort and thrashing through a bit of woodland is the recommended way to do this. If I could be guaranteed a better path I might be swayed to take the challenge, but I look at my familiar trail and feel that it’s better than an uncertain one. Even an anxious, slightly muddy one.
Also. This path is in my field of expertise.
Also. When I say ‘path’, I mean ‘job’.
Surely, if I’m not willing to take a different direction, then my situation can’t be that bad.
I don’t think I’ve ever taken a leap of faith – I’m a pro at looking before any sort of leaping and I manage to talk myself out of most things as I contemplate them. I like my comfort zone because the alternative is surely my discomfort zone which, as descriptions go, doesn’t sell itself well.
I don’t believe the grass is greener. It’s more like a different green and anyhow, who says brown is a negative? A lot can be said for brown grass and its browness.
I’m thinking too much. I’m thinking a lot a the moment. Not helped by the fact I’m sorting through old photographs which puts me in a malaise made of heart ache as I see those I have lost and how life has changed and how we’ve all aged.
What have I done with my life?
Not that I’m ambitious in a job orientated sense. I am, however, excelling in my main aspiration of love and stability. I’ve possibly peaked here.
Then I look at J.S. Bach and wonder again what I’ve done with my life. An orphan by age ten, he still managed to educate himself and be (arguably) one of the most successful composers of all time. He wrote his first work at an age when I worried about grades and acne.
In turn, I wonder if we’re not meant to live in the kind of world we’ve created for ourselves. That we ostensibly have so much time we achieve less. That social media makes us feel more sad than engaged. That the world is more accessible than ever and yet we feel even smaller within it. That photographs and all the enumerable objects we accumulate from our ancestors enable us to cling on more than let go.
Or is this just me?
I fear change yet life IS change and I need to reconcile that.
And if success in this world is to live kindly and be loved, then surely success in the afterlife is to be remembered fondly.
I think of again of Bach. Johann Sebastian Bach.
His image is currently magnetised to my fridge.
I wonder what he’d say.